The temporary verdict…

So the doctor's appointment. I just went in and told her everything that was happening. Even the things that I thought might not make sense or that may not be related. She immediately said what I was having was "mini" seizures. WTF?

I never knew that seizures didn't always have to involve convulsions. What I am having are Partial and somewhat Complex seizures that don't involve convulsions. They only last less than a second, but the fact that I become disoriented after and have a little memory loss with them led her to believe this. But, since she is just a GP and not a neurologist, she has referred me to one so I can get an MRI. (My insurance will only pay for one if a Neuro orders it.) So she gave me a card and I still have to make an appointment, which I will do on Monday.

So why am I having seizures? She says she is pretty sure that it is from taking the Cymbalta and the Tramadol together. I asked her why it would wait a year and a half to start doing this to me? She said sometimes reactions dont happen right away. So she said that she is going to take me off the medication. I started bawling. This was the first time in a long time that I had medications that helped me function with my Fibromyalgia/RA, and now I had to stop taking them. Well I don't really want the seizures though…

So I am currently being weaned off the Cymbalta and she wants me to take the least amount of Tramadol that I can. Well, the Cymbalta is the only reason that 200mg of Tramadol works for me. So this is going to suck. Nothing for my depression, and not enough meds to help the pain. Great. Well, she referred me to a Rheumatologist, who specializes with Fibromyalgia, too. So hopefully she will be able to find something else that will work.

So, it was good that she thinks that it was just the medication, yet sucks that I have to stop taking it. But what scares me is that it actually happened 6 years ago long before I was taking these medications together. So I guess that is why I am seeing a Neurologist. What the fuck am I going to do if it's MS or Parkinson's. I'm way too young for that. Aren't I?

Sometimes I wonder if I was even meant to have a fucking life. I have enough shit wrong with me. Enough to send the love of my life packing. I just want to be the girl that someone can't live without. Not one that needs someone to take care of her. All I feel like I want to do is love someone, and have them love me back. So what, am I going to end up having to move back to my parents so they can take care of me? My parents aren't that healthy. How am I going to take care of them if I won't be able to take care of myself???

I know I'm jumping the gun on this, but you don't understand how scary these things are. They are not normal. And they are driving me crazy. Well, my doctor prescribed some Ativan to help the anxiety and insomnia. But only 10 pills with no refills. That's okay though because they knock me out (which is what I guess they are supposed to do) and I don't like being groggy when I wake up. I'm going to try to break them in half and see if that still helps. Ugggg. I just want to be healthy and not so fucking tired and hurting. There is so much I want to do and I feel trapped 'cause I can't do them. I just want to crawl into a ball and cry. But even that pisses me off cuz I don't want to waste time doing that either. Grrrr. I can't fucking win it seems.

Why did God choose ME to have this happen to? If there is a reason, I would really like to know it NOW. I'm 30 frickin' years old for Christ's sake!

Well I could go on and on like this forever. Damn. So that's what is wrong with me so far. And here I am at 2:55 in the morning, twitching and typing. Alone as always. Everyone around me seems to be in love or infatuated with someone. I sat at dinner with Tree and her sister watching both of them get all dreamy eyed when their men called them. Then PMH talking about how wonderfull his new boyfriend is. It makes me sick and jealous at the same time. They all deserve it more than anyone else I know, but it is hard to see them having what I had, and what was ripped away from me.

Damn him, I am supposed to be over him, but here I sit, still feeling lost without him. How did I ever give him this much power to still be able to bring tears to my eyes after a fucking year apart? We haven't even spoken in months, but I can still smell him, still feel him next to me sometimes and it takes my breath away to see the empty bed. Damn, more than a year and I can still hear him telling me it was over like it was yesterday. Damn him.

Good for him though I guess. To get out before he was married to me and would have to take care of this mess. Maybe he somehow knew. Lucky him. That's all I can say. Lucky fucking him.

WTF

Ya, basically. What The Fuck is wrong with me? Ha, I have been asking that for years. But seriously I have a doctors appointment this morning, to see what the fuck is going on with my body. And it's not a moment too soon.

For about a little over two weeks, I have had these "twitches" I guess you would call them. Now, everyone has had the odd twitch now and then, such as an eyelid or a twitch under the skin in your arm or whatnot. But if my twitches were just those, I don't think I would be off to the doctor like I am. The twitches I am having are major twitches in my major muscle groups. And not just twitches. Actually jerks, where my entire arm moves without me telling it to. Or sometimes if I am sitting down, it jerks my entire upper body. It always feels like it originates from the spine or base of the spine. After the "jerks" I get a tingling feeling in my spine and limbs, and it seems to cloud my mind. If I am at work on a call and it happens, I sometimes forget what I just said. I can finish the call, but after the call, I just sit there, knowing I need to note the file, but I can't bring myself to move. I'm not paralyzed, but it's as if even though I KNOW what I'm supposed to do, I, at the same time, DON'T know what I'm supposed to do. It's hard to explain.

Last week, these symptoms have gotten out of control. I'm not able to sleep now, because the jerks will prevent me from being able to fall asleep, or when I do fall asleep, a "jerk" will actually wake me up. So I have had a lot of time to think about how I am going to describe it to the doctor this morning.

Once I started thinking about it, I remembered, about 5 or 6 years ago, I went to the doctor for something else, but mentioned that I was having these "jerks" or "twitches" that would kind of go from my spine to my leg and actually jerk my leg. They were annoying, but the (incompitent) doctor said it was just stress. Well, they were only happening about once a week maybe, and eventually after a few weeks, they went away.

Then, about 2 months ago, they started to come back. But not often. They were far enough apart that by the time another one would happen, I would have already forgotten about the last time it happened. I had one a few weeks ago while I was outside smoking with Tree and I remember telling her about it and saying it was fucking annoying, and that I felt weird after it happened. Almost like I was in a daze and/or going to have a seizure. Now I have never actually had a seizure so that may not be the best description, but that's the only thing I could compare it to in my head.

Right after that, they went from happening once every other day, to once a day. Then last week, they were happening 2-3 times a day. Then they became bad at night. Eventually that started to drive me mad, as they are now. It was Sunday, 4/23, when I noticed that I was getting scared after it would happen. Then Monday morning, in the middle of a call, a huge twitch nearly jerked me out of my seat, and I don't even remember finishing the call (I'm sure I did) but I do remember staring at the letter E on my keybord for about 60 seconds, and not moving. Tree had just gotten to work and come over and asked what was wrong, and I looked up and had tears in my eyes. I couldn't control crying about it any more than I could control the events themselves. I was scared shitless. What is going on? Something was wrong. Tree said that if I don't go tell our UC then she will. So I walk over and tell her what's going on, and she tells me to call my doc to see if I can get in. Well, I called the office, and talked to the receptionist, telling her what is going on and the soonest she could get me in was today at 9am. Well I was too shooken up to keep working so I just went home. For some reason I was exhausted, so slept all day, thinking it would help and maybe go away. No such luck.

I started to keep a log of every time it was happening, but by Tuesday, it was happening so often, I couldn't keep track (not and work at the same time).

So I will see what the doctor says. Hopefully it will be something simple. I am scared and releived at the same time. But like I said we will see….

Hide and Seek

I would like to start by giving credit, where credit is due. It's amazing how someone who knows nothing about me, can capture what I sing on the inside. In this case it's Imogen Heap. Click on the link to step inside and hear what I'm feeling today.

 

Where are we?

What the hell is going on?

The dust has only 

just begun to fall.

Crop circles in the carpet.

Sinking feeling.

 

Spin me round again 

and rub my eyes.

This can't be happening. 

When busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads heavy.

 

Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines.

All those years,

they were here first.

 

Oily marks appear on walls

where pleasure moments hung before 

the takeover.

The sweeping insensitivity

of this

still life.

 

Hide and seek.

Trains and sewing machines.

Blood and tears.

They were here first.

 

Mm what'd ya say? 

That you only meant well? Well of course you did.

Mm what'd ya say?

This it's all for the best? Of course it is.

Mm what'd ya say?

That it's just what we need? You decided this.

Mm, What did you say?

 Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

Mid sweet talk newspaper word cut outs

Speak no feeling no I don't believe you

you don't care a bit.

Heavy hearted.

Is it the date? Is it the weather? Is it the people around me? I can't see why those things would cause my current state of mind, but who knows? I just woke up with a heavy heart today.

What is that you say? Well only those who have had it could actually understand, but to me, it feels exactly how it's worded. I just have a heaviness deep inside my chest. A weight on my heart that brings a misty haze to my eyes. I contradict myself when I try to describe it. See, it's heavy, yet hollow at the same time. An emptiness that weighs on my soul. That may be a little overdramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it.

So I roll out of bed this morning, 4:00 am, thinking someone was in bed with me, next to me, pulling me back down to them, in an effort to keep me cuddled in the warm sheets. But the bed was empty (as it seems to always be) and it was the hollowness weighing me down.

So is my heart heavy with memories? What could be weighing it down? It surely can't be ties to someone else, can it? I am no longer in love with him. Yes I still love him. I always will. But loving someone shouldn't hold my heart down.

Could the feeling I have be pain, caused from my love being slammed back in my face? I just don't know. I'm starting to sound like an angst ridden teenager experiencing her first heartbreak. How annoying.

It's just that it's been a year. A rather quick year if you ask me. I never planned on moving on. I never wanted to. I never wanted to heal, never wanted to come out of my web of misery. "Why should I?" I would ask myself. My life was over. Or so I thought, since I had ridiculously given him my life; made him my life. It's almost as if I have had to build or grow a new heart. And here I am a year later. Still alive. Still me. Still alone. But I have a heart and it's beating. Do I risk giving it away again? Why would I do something so silly as that? Because that is how you should love. Love with everything you have. And I wouldn't do it any other way.

Even though it may kill me.

I am starting to, maybe, just maybe, have a tiny bit of desire to "get out there". I have to. I'm extremely "once bitten, twice shy" of course, but I'm at least thinking about it. My heart has been non-functioning for so long, it seemed, that I forgot what it was like to really feel something. And now I remember. And I crave it.

My survival instincts may make it a little hard, but like I said, I need to get out. I don't need to love anyone right now. And who knows? I may never love anyone else.

But God I hope I do.

So what am I talking about?

So "my mercury" huh? You may be wondering what that means, or why I chose that as a title. Well, the term mercury came to me while listening to an awesome cd (by Sting of course) called Mercury Falling. Well I like the word mercury, and was wondering how I could work it into a title without stealing the album title.

I first thought about what the word means. Here's Dictionary.com's definition:

Symbol Hg

 A silvery-white poisonous metallic element, liquid at room temperature and used in thermometers, barometers, vapor lamps, and batteries and in the preparation of chemical pesticides. Also called quicksilver. Any of several weedy plants of the genera Mercurialis or Acalypha.

So my mercury; my poison; hopefully useful (and not poisonous) to others. Something to show how cold or hot I am about something or someone.

So here it is. My Mercury. Use it at your own risk. It may look pretty but beware, it can harm you as well. As soon as I can find something to reflect upon, I'll post it.