I can’t see because my eyes are so swollen it hurts to do more than squint. Another fucking doctors appointment today. I cried through most of the appointment and saw that look in her eyes. She thinks I just need better treatment for depression and everything would get better for me. LISTEN….
I’M NOT IN PAIN BECAUSE I’M DEPRESSED. I’M “DEPRESSED” BECAUSE I LIVE IN CONSTANT PAIN AND HAVE BEEN ROBBED OF MY “LIFE”. (why can’t anyone fucking understand this concept?!?!?)
It may not make sense to everyone (or anyone for that matter) but it’s the worst look you can see in someone else’s eyes. After years of enduring it, I have learned to detect it. Pity, exasperation, and just enough doubt to make me want to give it all up. Give up making the appointments. Give up the effort. Give up paying the damned $40 co-pays just so I can get painkillers every month. Give up baring the most embarrassing weakness to another stranger who thinks I just might be a simple drug seeker. Give up opening the doors that I have spent months bolting up to protect myself from fucking ridicule. Give up this nightmare.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
I have been convincing myself that I have just not found the right doctor that will be able to see past the negative tests for RA and tell me I don’t have Fibromyalgia. My grandmother has RA, my mother has RA. Neither had consistent tests results for RA, yet the joint damage is obvious and unmistakable. No it’s not the worst I have seen, and in my job, I’ve seen all the pictures. No I don’t show joint damage, my fingers aren’t twisted. But my mom’s didn’t start until she was 49, but she had the pain for years.
Why do I want someone to tell me it’s RA? RA is a terrible crippling disease with no cure. So is Fibromyalgia. So what’s the difference? There is a test that confirms an RA patient’s pain. No test confirms Fibro. There are drugs now that slow down or possibly prevent further joint damage if you have RA. There are no drugs for Fibro, other than pain meds and some Neuro drugs that may or may not fuck with your central nervous system. I don’t want to do the pain medicine thing anymore. I’m always either hurting so bad that I can’t even rest while laying down, or I’m just high enough to not care about the ache. But it’s still there. It’s always there. Like a spiderweb that you swat away but you can still feel on your skin for hours. But instead of a spiderweb, it’s more like a boulder, rolling over my joints, over and over and over and over and over and over until I pray for it to roll over my head so I can fade to black without having to actually do it myself.
I can’t see through these god-damned tears that wont stop. I can’t see the person I used to be, even just one year ago. I can’t see who it is I am going to be; supposed to be. I can’t see things ever getting better. I can’t see past this oppression. I can’t see a future. I can’t see MY future. I can’t see the reason this is happening. I’m supposed to be grateful to be alive. But, I truly can’t see why.
my mercury 
My poor swet dear. I completely understand your loss of direction and hope. Western Medicine fails miserably in the face of most kinds of pain, especially chronic pain. You are absoulutely correct: pain medication is NOT the answer. In fact the medication itself will cause your blood pH to become more acidic therby worsening your pain in lthe long run. You will also become deadened to the effect of the pain mediation so that it will simply do nothing at all for you yet you will require it to maintain your body’s new homeostasis. There IS an answer for you. You must try Chinese Medicine. Acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine LEAD THE FIELD OF MEDICINE in effective treatment of pain. I am an acupuncturist in St Petersburg Florida and I have helped endless patients with osteo, psoritic, rheumatoid and many other types of arthritis or pain of any type. RA is autoimmune…you must have the heat cleared from your body and your immune system must be brought back to the surface of the body where it is meant to fight colds/disease etc… Your treatment with Chinese medicine will NOT be an overnight therapy or a miracle cure. You will be aske to change your diet and lifestyle if these contribute to your disorder in any way. You will be asked to take herbs and come in for regular treatments. For something as devastating as RA you may be in aggressive therapy for months and then need regular tune-up treatments from then on. HOWEVER you ABSOLUTELY WILL be LISTENED TO. You will be heard, you will spend an entire hour with your tharapist, you will be believed and your symptoms will MEAN SOMETHING to your doctor. You will have your symptoms explained in a new light, one that will most likely mke a lot of sense to you because you are living with this pain and you know it’s nature.
Acupuncture is relatively gentle but can occasionally cause slight pain on insertion of the tiny needles. You have the ability to heal within you…you are lost because you KNOW you are barking up the wrong tree. PLEASE do some research and find an acupuncturists near you…your life IS worth something…you are a beautiful human being with a soul that wants to find its way…you just need this pesky pain out of your way so you can truly develop into someone you can love!
you are welcome to email me and ask me questions if you like….my email is christinabickley@yahoo.com. I wouldn’t normally put this out here but I CANNOT ignore your so obviously painful cry. PLease find help.