The reason for my title is because that Third Eye Blind song is in my head (at least I think that is who sings it). But seriously, how's it gonna be? How is it going to be next month? Will I really know anything more than I know now? How is it going to be in a year? Will I still be struggling to find the right combo and amount of medicine to help me just barely function normally? Will I be worse? I seem to be getting worse every year. Every year I remember something that I am not able to do, that I was able to do last year. I used to be able to drink. I get sick when I do that now. I used to be able to get up from sitting on the ground without walking hunched over for 30 seconds. I used to crave going out, and having vacations. Now I just dread being a downer for whoever is going with me. Worrying that I am going to be in pain, or too tired to do whatever fun thing is planned.
This is no way to live. Not for a 30 year old. Today I feel like I just want to lay down and die. I just want to go to sleep. And honestly I don't want to wake up unless this shit is gone. This new shit that is happening to me is just too much. It's like I had a delicate balance with the goddamned depression and pain, and someone, God, whomever, decided they would see just how much more I could handle. Like Jenga. How many pieces can they take out before I crumble? Well guess what, you have reached the last piece. I'm done. I don't want to play Jenga anymore.
And why? Why me? Why am I going through this? What is my purpose? Many who may read this (if any) may not agree, but I was brought up going to church and taught about God and the christian/episcipol faith. I have not always followed "the rules" or obeyed all the commandments, or gone to church all the time. But I am a Christian. I made the choice for myself when I was 14. And I thank my parents for introducing it to me as a small child, so that I had something to cling to when I was going through some of the worse times in my life. They never forced it on me, but I always knew it was there.
So this is one of those times. I keep praying for God to to let me see why this is happening to me. I've been told to search my bible for scripture that could help me find an answer, but I just can't see it. While I read it, I twitch and get so frustrated that I just slam it shut and throw it down. So now where do I go? I'll tell you where I want to go. The beach. I want to sit in the sand, right now, listening to Incubus or Sublime or even James Taylor or someone better that I can't think of right now, with a complicated looking drink in my hand, and my toes getting tickled by the ocean's foam. I want my job to be collecting sea glass everyday and making art with it to sell and survive. If this would happen, would I be able to enjoy it? Would the pain and stress and seizures go away? Or would it be so lonely there, that I would always notice them?
Just one answer to my many questions, is all I'm begging for. I recieved an email from my best friend from Texas, who is going through a lot of what I am. She has had so many medical problems for the last 10 years or more, with so many doctors, that she just gets forgotten. Her Insurance won't cover her antidepressant anymore, so she has decided to wean herself off of this dangerous drug since her doctor doesnt care to see her unless it is something tragic. So guess what. It's gonna get tragic since she voiced thoughts or hurting herself or finding ways to get herself in the ICU. I KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT.
I have been sitting here since 4:57am, crying, angry, sad, dazed, all at the same time. This grew into a full blown panic attack. I called my UC who said two other people were out, so I decided I was going to try to stick it out. I had to break down and take half an Ativan. I HATE the way they make me feel. But at least I'm not having a panic attack anymore. Now I just want to put my head down again and cry. That's all I've done this morning. I'm kinda in a corner and most people around me dont get in til 8 so i dont think anyone could see me. SHIT.
I'm tired of this crap. I'm TIRED of feeling sick. I'm TIRED of feeling tired. I'm TIRED of my joints hurting. I'm TIRED of my hands swelling and hurting. I'm TIRED of not being able to walk up hills and stairs like I used to. I'm TIRED of gaining pound after pound cause I just can't move like I used to.
In my brain, I WANT to walk. I WANT to run. I WANT to hike. I WANT to balance my checkbook, keep my room clean, keep my truck clean, work 40 hours, go to school part time, be able to type for as long as I want with out pain, to be able to HANDwrite more than 2 lines without my hands seizing up. My body just doesn't DO what my brain waves tell it to do.
I wish I could explain how hard it was for me to actually go get my pain medication at the pharmacy yesterday. I don't think anyone can understand this, but the first thing I had to do was call the pharmacy to ask if they can call my doctor to get my rx renewed. (Why the doc couldn't just write me a new script, I don't know) This is easy right? Well for me, it takes a huge amount of energy (not just physically but emotionally too). I put it off until my shift was over because I didn't have enough energy to get out of my chair at break. So I call my doctor to tell them to call it in for me. Then I have the huge task of collecting my things and going home. This is huge for me. I get home and all I want to do is sleep. By the time I watched some shows I needed to get rid of, I was exhausted, but I was hurting so bad I couldn't fall asleep. Then the doc calls me back, says they called it in to Costco. (They also tell me that the bloodwork is negative for what I didn't want and normal for everything else, so that's good news).
So I then had a decision to make. Do I call the pharmacy to see when it will be ready? Are they going to yell at me? Are they going to say it won't be ready 'til tomorrow? I bite my lip and call. They say it'll be ready by 5:30. It is currently 4:30. They close at 7:00. So now I have a hUGE decision. I am so fatigued I can barely move. The medicine I need to pick up will get me out of this condition. But I don't have the medicine, to get me out of the slump that is preventing me from wanting to get up to go get the medicine!!! I decide my body MUST lay down for as long as possible. I calculate the traffic; going west shouldn't be bad. I set the phone alarm for 6:15pm. I leave at 6:20 and make it in time. Last minute as usual.
Why am I always last minute? Why do I never call my friends? Why do I never answer my phone? Why do I sometimes pay my bills late even when there is money in the bank? Why do I wait 'til the last minute for everything? This may sound silly, but sometimes it's just too hard to get up and get in the car to go to the store, go to the mailbox, pick up my phone and carry on a coversation. Physically AND emotionally sometimes.
So how the fuck's it gonna be? Huh? Tell me. Would YOU want to wake up everyday if YOUR life was like this? I doubt it.
my mercury 